I am very pleased with that title. I have recently been looking at some dating websites. And by dating, I mean just what the learned judge means when he sentences you to life without parole - i.e. matrimony.
The subculture of Indian matrimonial websites has some proprietary code words, which I courageously expose here. If I am found drowned in a huge vat of sambar or dead due to a severe deficiency of articles (as in "a", "an" and "the"), you know who's behind it. Anyway here are some observations of what people want:
Hindu Brahmin Iyer: these rabid bigots (usually parents) are not satisfied with, say, the garden variety Turkish Brahmin; or perhaps a Pagan Iyer from Planet Zor. No - these greedy bastards want it all!
Non-alcoholic teetotaller: this one took me for a spin. Apparently there is a secret society out there that does not drink, but somehow gets its alcohol fix, perhaps by sticking an IV connected to an inverted bottle of Stoli. I first thought this delivery mechanism is pure genius, but then one obviously cannot enjoy the olives in a good martini. And that is only one drawback I can think of, now that I am sober.
Clean habits: this is super-code with an in-built get-out-of-jail clause, since it leaves room for entertaining debate at divorce hearings. I suspect this code is the refuge of drunkard, chain-smoking dads to satisfy their better (and by that I mean dominant) halves.
Family values: this refers to your ability to demonstrate how well you can lie about your three-timing, scandalous past (or present). Anything less than "Moderate" and we all know about the goats.
God-fearing: if this refers to a woman, it means she is god-fearing and will refuse to put out, potentially forever. If this is desired of the guy, it means he is expected to fear her (of course, you idiots).
Fat: well this is one word that will NEVER be seen, even if the person's BMI is 3 gazillion. Everyone is "Average". What a wonderful world it is, and how can I teleport myself there? Also, when they say "Athletic", I suspect it is code for grim-faced, muscular types with hairy chests reminiscent of athletes from the erstwhile communist Eastern Europe. And I am talking about the female athletes, of course.
1 comment:
one must not forget the requisite "wheatish complexion". what this means, i am not sure. but it necessitated a lot of running away from whitening creams throughout my tennis-playing teenage years (see "fair and lovely").
also, a HINDU brahmin iyer is never enough - it has to be a tamil/telugu/kannada/malayalee/marathi/(insert whatever bloody region said bigots are from) brahmin iyer.
and lord have mercy on your soul should one be an iyengar. the mind, it boggles.
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