Food for thought

Recently, I came across this piece in the New York Times. Nothing here is special or new, especially post the era of Michael Pollan and his books. Anyway here is the Opinionator piece:

A Food Manifesto For The Future

Reading that, I was led to think of how simpler and healthier life was not too long ago, even in something as simple as food. 

Thirty years ago, my grandma would dispatch me daily to the store. I carried a cloth bag (no plastic bags to throw out), picked up fruits and vegetables that were (probably) trucked in daily from the region. They were indeed puny compared to the specimens found today at any supermarket, but I imagine they were so because the soil that grew them was not taxed and injected with chemicals. (Lets not get into GMO). 

We carried glass bottles which the shops filled with unrefined, flavorful oil, the cold-pressed kind that has since become something premium, rather than de rigeur. Meat eaters ate the stuff once or twice a week, and it was a precious commodity. Even processed foods like baked goods were locally made and one hopes free of the additives and stabilizers needed to sustain the packaged product of today that the best and the brightest market (those not taking their completely justified pound of flesh in the financial services industry, that is). For heaven's sake, the booze was fresh, natural and organic, tapped as toddy everyday from our very own coconut trees. 

Today the country I left suffers more cardiac diseases, diabetes and hypertension than almost anywhere. Processed, packaged food is de rigeur. Natural oils like coconut, sesame and mustard that shaped the genes for generations were swiftly replaced by well marketed, "golden", refined bleached and deodorized oils. One-horse villages sell imported leeks. Cookery programs showcase meat - the aspirational pinnacle of quotidian "nutrition" being marketed to 1.2 billion. I am no Luddite, but is this progress?

I learned my lesson the hard way. I today do not eat meat; cook more; have almost banned packaged food and beverages from my life; use natural oils; graze the once-reviled salad-bar like an ungulate; and... am paying more to do all this, just rewinding to what should always have been status quo. 

In summary, we are idiots. We deserve everything because we sold our health, ultimately, willingly. I'll leave you to figure out - to whom? And really, for what?

Can't be arsed

Can't Be Arsed, by Richard Wilson, is an excellent read. I bought it once, but promptly lost it at a bar. I wasn't arsed enough, I suppose. The book is a rant against "tossers" with bucket lists and a serious case of one-upmanship. He particularly hates "travelers", of which I sadly believe am one, as defined by him - scouring the earth looking for new places, people and adventures, waiting for a chance to bestow the ultimate appellation, "awesome".

His simple point is that we might as well enjoy just where we are instead of chasing one list after another. I am contemplating agreeing with him, whiling away my time on an easy-chair and satisfying myself with watching Globetrotter Ian Wright.

Also, this all reminded me that one day I might keel over dead and they will find inside my chest an emaciated heart, thanks to chagas disease. It was bad enough that I was in the dreaded Amazon without malarone - promptly losing them after ingesting just the first pill, exposing myself to malaria.  Now I find out I might have been exposed to other annoying - and it turns out deadly - bugs. Luckily, I had several cans of Deet with which I sprayed myself liberally. Liberally enough, I hope. Whoa, did my heart just skip a beat?

Speaking of the dreaded Amazon, I did get down and dirty in the Rio Negro at a sandy beach at one point, largely to ogle the girl in the black bikini. Now I belatedly find out it is the favorite stomping ground (water?) in the fucking Amazon for the candiru fish. At least on this count, I can safely, ahem, say that I was not a victim of its shenanigans. The very thought makes a man's crown jewels want to seek asylum somewhere way up in thoracic country.

Maybe Wilson has a point about all these zany "travel" crap that people - including me - get up to.

Is it still better to die trying?

Once more, an article on mankind's premature death. And only man-kind's.

Mate search shortens men's lives

"MEN who face plenty of competition to find a mate have slightly shorter lives than those who don't. New research shows that gender imbalance, when men outnumber women, affects male longevity by an average of about three months."

A little later, this:

"After calculating the gender ratios for each high school class they noticed that 50 years later men from classes with more boys than girls did not live as long as those from more balanced classes."

By now you know the routine: Caustic questions, considerations and suggestions:

1. Send your boys to all-girls schools. It is all about probabilities. But do not, under any circumstance, allow them to get involved in "fashion". If they use "fashion" and "design" in the same sentence, disown them. FYI, when I was really small, they sent me to an all-girls school because they let boys in just for kindergarten. Ha! I bet I have a couple of years right there.

2. I am sorry for all of those of you who went to boys-only schools. For your early death and all the time you spent playing "Soggy Biscuit".

3. Did the study take into account the trauma faced by 11-year old boys bullied by their much larger female counterparts thanks to earlier puberty, armed with dangerous new weapons such as  "breasts"?

4. Has the study taken into account *quality* of life, instead of just the number of years? I believe that when they tested the Large Hadron Collider, they discovered that Dark Matter is made up of Life that has been sucked out of men after Marriage.

5. I hope for your sake you did not compete in "The Bachelorette". I don't know what it is, but assume it is a "reality" show featuring several men chasing one bimbo. On the other hand, perhaps it is a great  demonstration of Darwinian mechanisms in action.

6. Finally what does this mean for men who *do not* want to find a mate and refuse to engage in the "rat race", so to speak? Will they live longer than those that die (sooner) trying?

PS: "I will live forever or die trying" is of course protagonist Yossarian's quote from Catch-22. Read it if you have not already done so.

And they are not talking about sex

From the beloved NYT:

Be sure exercise is all you get at the gym

Excerpts:

"When you go to the gym, do you wash your hands before and after using the equipment? Bring your own regularly cleaned mat for floor exercises? Shower with antibacterial soap and put on clean clothes immediately after your workout? Use only your own towels, razors, bar soap, water bottles? If you answered "no" to any of the above, you could wind up with one of the many skin infections that can spread like wildfire in athletic settings."

"(A wrestler) noticed a pimple on his arm last winter but thought little of it. He competed in a match on a Saturday, but by the next morning the pimple had grown to the size of his biceps and had become very painful.... Two days later, he learned he had MRSA, the potentially deadly staphylococcus infection that is resistant to most antibiotics."

Gee. This brings to mind several questions.

1. Does this make *any* difference to ogling shapely women at the gym? The correct answer is "No". That is never a crime, under any circumstance, including if the shapely woman is god.

2. How can a pimple become as big as a bicep? I don't know the answer to this.

3. If a pimple is as big as a wrestler's bicep, can it still be called a pimple? Should it not be called something else, more worthy of its bad-ass status?

4. Does the pimple-and-acne cream industry know about this? I smell a stampede.

5. Forget about your own towels, how can people use gym-provided apparel? Yech. This happens at my gym.

And outside of the gym, does your partner wash her / his hands before she / he gets it on with you? Holy crap!! MRSA on your @#$*!!!

Or as I call it, Our Daily Dread

Resistance to entering the building. Cowering. Avoiding people. Whimpering.

Army dog suffers stress trauma

Excerpts: "(the dog) returned home to Colorado (from Iraq) cowering and fearful. When her handlers tried to take her into a building, she would stiffen her legs and resist. Once inside, she would tuck her tail beneath her body and slink along the floor. She would hide under furniture or in a corner to avoid people.

Sneaky fucker

I wonder if I am a sneaky fucker. No I am not drunk, nor infected by Toxoplasmosis.

Thanks to the Economist, I have learned that there are two types of males in the world: the ones who show off and mate a lot; and the ones who do not show off and... mate a lot. But get this: the ones showing off - be it crowing, preening, growing nice feathers, keeping handle-bar moustaches or dancing in bell bottoms - apparently spend so much energy in, well, attracting the females, that their sperm are less viable than those of....

.... the sneaky fuckers. Well the Economist article labeled the less-flashy males spawning with the females "sneaking" and separately used the word "copulation", but we all know the writer would just have loved to say "sneaky fuckers".  Anyway the thrust of the article was exactly what I have written, and it specifically refers to angel fish and how the not-so-flamboyant males "sneak" and perpetuate their genes.  While of course it is incumbent upon boys to fuck around at 18, the male sexual peak, this is encouraging news for those who save it up to savor later in life, when everyone else in sexual Sahara, i.e. marital fizz.

As a modest, self-deprecative sort of person, this article has made my day.

The article is here:  The hunk and the show-off do not always get the girl.

French intrigue

No, not the name of a new line of lingerie.

Now, I have taken the piss out of the French all the time, but there is a scientific explanation for it all: the French are crazy!

That's right. An illuminative article in the Economist talks about Toxoplasmosis gondii, a plamodium that literally attacks the brain. The plasmodium has evolved to make mice go nuts so they act conspicuous, attract and are eaten by cats, get digested, are passed out, only to re-enter rodents to complete the loop.

So what the fuck has this got to do with the French? Apparently Toxoplasmosis affects humans too. We are obviously not food for large cats, so maybe there is no evolutionary purpose, but apparently populations with higher rates of infection - such as the French - score higher on the neurosis scale than say, the British, who have much lower infection rates.

You may be neurotic my French darlings, but it just makes me want you more.

The article is here: http://www.economist.com/sciencetechnology/displayStory.cfm?story_id=16271339. And it is worth a look just for the picture of the fuzzy cat in mid-spring.

The chic shall inherit the earth

I always thought the translation from Aramaic got some spellings wrong; that it should be the "geek shall inherit the earth". Apparently, not only was I wrong here, but I was completely right about women gradually and cynically taking over from men. It all came clear one day when I was watching Fashion TV (Motto: "Buy FXTrader Pro"). By the mere act of walking back and forth on a catwalk, occasionally broken by lascivious lounging at various beaches, yachts, laps of fat men who look like Jabba The Hut, etc, this channel clearly had mankind... well, by the balls. Music was also a plus.

But today, the final chapter is getting written:

Sperm from Stem Cells

Quote: "A TEAM of British scientists claimed on Wednesday to have created human sperm using embryonic stem cells, in a medical first that they say will lead to a better understanding of fertility".

Hardy har har, and what are they smoking? What it will lead to is catastrophe.

3-D Awesomeoness!

At Melbourne's Immigration Museum, there was a special exhibit called PLACE: Hampi. This was an amazing, mindblowing piece. South India was relatively cossetted from the marauding morons who destroyed pretty much all the old architecture up North, but Hampi eventually fell. It is remarkable how much has somehow survived without any institutional efforts at preservation.

Anyway, an Australian team has been involved in restoring and documenting the Hampi ruins for a couple of decades. Using all that information, they have constructed a 3-Dimensional exhibit. Here is how it works:

You get on a semi-circular platform with some controls, sort of like a steering wheel and zoom in/out buttons. You pick a scene or a monument, and you literally get to view it from all angles, courtesy of dorky 3-D glasses. This is a fantastic way to bring things to museum-goers and I can't wait to see developments like these enrich our lives more. I am, of course, thinking of porn.

Hats off to the creators of the exhibit.

Buenos Aires or Aires Calientes?

Once upon a time Argentina was the richest country in the world. Now it is not quite in the same league. While scientists elsewhere pursue sophisticated experiments that may just end life as we know it - small price to pay for progress - Argentinian scientists are flirting with disaster. First, witness this wonderful picture, that I promise I did not manufacture using Photoshop. Next, read this wonderful article. Finally, I know you are wondering where the backpack starts and where it ends, but please do not email me your thoughts.

Crocodelight

Ever wonder why those huge crocs and alligators lie in the sun, mouth agape? Well those ancient reptilians knew something we did not: light cures plaque. That's right. Soon we will get toothbrushes with a light at the tip. As if it is not enough that we already get ones that, using a simple AAA cell, vibrate, massage, give us a haircut, become a light saber (optional) etc. I am not pulling your leg. An excerpt:

Scientists have developed a mouthwash that allows plaque-causing bacteria to be destroyed using nothing more than a bright light.

Leeds Dental Institute say it may be available inside three years for home use - perhaps with the light attached to the head of a toothbrush.

Please water my golf clubs when I am away

Due to my travel agent having a very twisted sense of humor, I recently flew an unnecessarily long hop. This was the last leg of, literally, a round-the-world ticket which was cheaper than flying me home the usual way, also called as a "return ticket", which he/she apparently thinks is a boring proposition.

Anyway as we landed for a transit at Incheon, the announcer says "Please declare you golf clubs, plants, animals, meat, athlete's foot etc. at customs for quarantine checks".

PS: the reason of course is that due to contact with the dirt, the clubs may transport organic material.

More on French GDP

I have recently theorized that the French plan to producing wealth involves sitting on little chairs on the sidewalk, drinking and smoking a lot, a shrug a minute and getting the tourists to do the same.

After a couple of forays into this activity , I have discovered more. For example, there is the “croissant” (pronounced “bread’). This clever piece of baked dough is skillfully constructed in such a way that roughly 90% of it will crumble away – on the plate, on the table, huge daubs around your lips, your finger, carefully pressed clothes etc. Clearly this is why even dogs the size of mosquitoes are heavily muzzled in Paris. Therefore you are of course forced to consume more of it, roughly requiring croissants the size of a cow, or perhaps a calf (if you are a child or anorexic), to fill you up.

Speaking of which, another stream of income for the French is selling dead, but completely sane, cows as meat. Rather cunningly, by keeping their borders sealed they have kept the so-called mad-cow disease out of the country. Also, banning all kinds of Frankenfoods. I find this highly admirable, as a closet Luddite myself, but highly ironic given everyone lights up at every opportunity.

And just in deference to the noble mission of this blog, and relevant to the topic, don't you think this is timely: "Monkeys Think, Moving Artificial Arm as Own ". And if that is not enough: More Monkey Madness. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Loon alert

Just as people are trying to forget The Inconvenient Man called Gore, tree huggers have new ammunition. Apparently tropical insects are going extinct.

As someone who was laid up by the dengue fever a couple of years ago, my reaction is: how soon? You would only understand if you went through what I did, or possibly if you are the fictitious character than gets bitten by a mosquito on his ass in Catch 22. Of course then you would not be reading this, and don't throw any of that Matrix bull at me.

So I request you all to cool your homes by leaving the fridge open, buy Hummers, and (for the heck of it) club some seal puppies. If all this is legal, it must be ok, right? Help make it so that one day Dengue will be a twinkle in the eye of some B-grade movie producer.

If you will excuse me, I am going to buy some oil company shares. That's legal too.

La Vita Loca

Always knew there was something fishy about popping vitamins. I wonder what are the repercussions of the disgusting cod liver oil that I had to swallow as a kid...

Black Swan?

Once in a while you get a great piece of news, one that you do not want to mock.

However, my question is this: if they can invent a phone for Africa that can be charged after cranking on a wheel for 15 minutes, why does my phone take hours to charge?

Burning question of the day

Why do dogs eat poop, and how can we discourage them from eating it?

It's these things that bring me back to reality, just when I start getting too self-absorbed and worry about my health, finding a job, getting laid, Sudan, Britney etc. Thank heavens for the Internet!

Drink up

Finally some good news: Alcohol 'quickly' cuts heart risk.

Turns out I did not waste the first 2 decades of my life being a teetotaller... I was just investing in a healthier heart.

Throwing feces - the perfect cover for superior intelligence

Finally, some blogworthy news: Chimpanzees beat humans in memory test.

That's right folks, this directly led to some perfectly normal research on my part. First, I consulted the world-renowned Famous Monkeys Database - spare me that withering look, which planet have you been on? And for those who roll their eyes and go "Chimps are not monkeys", read the headline above and cut those poor human website authors some slack.

So let us indulge in some revisionism, shall we?

1. Cheetah (Tarzan's sidekick): This explains the inarticulate Tarzan, with his wild howls and "Me Tarzan" lines. Clearly, Cheetah gave him a roofy (and Jane too) and created a completely new version of the popular idiom involving "spank" and "monkey".

2. Bubbles (Michael Jackson's "pet"): The biggest crime in the Michael Jackson trial was not calling Mr. Bubbles to the stand. Idiots!

3. Chatter: Who the fuck knows anything about Chatter? Someone please ask your grandparents.

4. Coco (cereal monkey) : Now we all know who's behind Coco Chanel. That ape must be laughing all the way to the bank, while also pursuing a second agenda of making young humans even more idiotic by promoting a diet of sugar and sawdust (I presume this is what Coco Puffs are).

5. Cornelius (archaeologist in Planet of the Apes): okay, they dropped the ball on this one, but I blame the inferior gorrillas for letting the ape out of the bag.

6. Debbie (from Lost in Space): thank god this was not the eponymous female associated with Dallas.

7. Mata Hairi ("lady spy chimp"): proving that there are really dumb apes that make up pathetic puns, not just humans.

8. Mojo Jojo (arch nemesis of the Power Puff Girls): my hero!

Anyway, the Monkey Database was a big let down, from a chimp perspective. Which leads to me think again that they really are hiding something.