Throwing feces - the perfect cover for superior intelligence

Finally, some blogworthy news: Chimpanzees beat humans in memory test.

That's right folks, this directly led to some perfectly normal research on my part. First, I consulted the world-renowned Famous Monkeys Database - spare me that withering look, which planet have you been on? And for those who roll their eyes and go "Chimps are not monkeys", read the headline above and cut those poor human website authors some slack.

So let us indulge in some revisionism, shall we?

1. Cheetah (Tarzan's sidekick): This explains the inarticulate Tarzan, with his wild howls and "Me Tarzan" lines. Clearly, Cheetah gave him a roofy (and Jane too) and created a completely new version of the popular idiom involving "spank" and "monkey".

2. Bubbles (Michael Jackson's "pet"): The biggest crime in the Michael Jackson trial was not calling Mr. Bubbles to the stand. Idiots!

3. Chatter: Who the fuck knows anything about Chatter? Someone please ask your grandparents.

4. Coco (cereal monkey) : Now we all know who's behind Coco Chanel. That ape must be laughing all the way to the bank, while also pursuing a second agenda of making young humans even more idiotic by promoting a diet of sugar and sawdust (I presume this is what Coco Puffs are).

5. Cornelius (archaeologist in Planet of the Apes): okay, they dropped the ball on this one, but I blame the inferior gorrillas for letting the ape out of the bag.

6. Debbie (from Lost in Space): thank god this was not the eponymous female associated with Dallas.

7. Mata Hairi ("lady spy chimp"): proving that there are really dumb apes that make up pathetic puns, not just humans.

8. Mojo Jojo (arch nemesis of the Power Puff Girls): my hero!

Anyway, the Monkey Database was a big let down, from a chimp perspective. Which leads to me think again that they really are hiding something.