Boy am I glad I left New York. "Why?" you may ask. Or not, but I shall explain anyway.
As you all know, NYC is the most dangerous place in the world.
- When aliens invade, they come to NYC. Too many movies, but "Independence Day" and "War of the Worlds", for starters.
- When Godzilla wants to lay his/her androgynous eggs, he/she, ignoring all the fucking places in the goddamned-ly large Pacific Ocean, manages to seek out NYC. What a shameless, unpatriotic Madama Butterfli-zard(ess). On a side note, there is a beautiful island called Lanzarote somewhere in the Balearic, which of course translates to "Lizard".
- Monkey invasion (Planet of the Apes). Please stop being childish and pointing out apes are not monkeys. I bet you believe in "global warming" too.
- Mr. Deep Freeze, son of Mr. Global Warming, in that wretched, wretched movie "Day after Tomorrow".
- Post-apocalyptic blood suckers - "I am Legend"
You point out these are all movies, and many of them suck. To which I reply: many French people come to New York, IN REAL LIFE!!! They can often be seen sitting outside "alfresco" cafes sipping "espresso".
However, there is a divine (or perhaps moviemaking) sense of justness, as shitty stuff like Twister and the giant disgusting thing in Evolution manage to happen in Podunk or Bumfuck or somewhere hopeless and flat, just like... never mind, I promised my therapist no anatomical references.
So it is for all these reasons that NYC is already a scary place, but now it got even scarier:
DNA to be stored in NYC
Here is a movie we have not seen. Neo wakes up, and realizes he has been fooled. He is not human, he is the Predator, but denying all movie-logic, he is in love with his mortal enemy the Alien. The movies were all... LIES!! He then proceeds to commandeer a starship with many little green men with laser guns, destroys large swathes of New York, and steals the DNA so he can change himself and have passionate, carnal, out-of-this-world sex with the Alien. The Alien meanwhile, runs away with Ellen and some of the new manless sperm, so he kills himself. His now-unsupervised experiment goes awry, and all the little green men become monkeys and take over New York.
In the distant future, there is a furore because of a scene showing a monkey kissing a lowly human being.
Thank you, but I have to take my pills now.
6 comments:
WTFMONKEY was that movie plotline! I got a headache reading it.
To be fair, Hollywood spewed out a classic they called, "Mega Shark Versus Mega Octopus". The trailer featured both monsters leaping out of the ocean to bring down an aircraft flying 30,000 feet above.
~div
The references are to: The Matrix, Alien, Predator, Alien vs Predator, Mars Attacks, any number of space-invaders-destroying-NY movies, the news story about DNA storage in NYC, Ellen the Degenerate (haha, could not resist), the Sperm Story, and Planet of the Apes.
Call me crazy but... oh, just call me crazy.
Ah, it is a pity that we could not include Mssrs. Mega Shark and Mega Octopus in my plot. Lose not your heart, I will come up with more Movie Medleys.
You've watched AVP? And your eyesight is intact! Well done! As for the rest, bleargh.
Except Mars Attacks. That was actually funny. Especially when their little green brains blew up when they heard Barry Manilow.
I might be the lone voice in the dark, but I found the "Matrix" annoying. Definitely not as 'intelligent' as people said it was. The dialogues were CORNY to the extreme. The only interesting character was 'Mr. Smith', and I found out he, and the rest of them, were just figments of imagination.
Pffft.
Such a waste of good actors like Lawrence Fishbourne.
~div
incidentally, lanzarote is filled with orange brits from the midlands/yorkshire/lancashire.
cant agree with ya anymore..NY is always hollywoods playground.
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