That is "D" for dumb. I am sure you will tell your grandkids this: "never stick anything into a deep dark hole". And I am not even talking about the safe-sex talks you'll have to have with them when they are 7, because they'll by then be fully functional adults thanks to the healthful hormones in our food system.
Anyway, there I was at the gym in my hotel in Japan, and off to a corner was a stool with a - you guessed it! - hole in front of it. The hole was encapsulated by a roughly cylindrical cloth-like receptacle, which may have led to the other room for all I know, or to the other universe. Or possibly even to a vending machine in Harajuku. Don't get any funny thoughts, now. Especially involving the word "glory".
Anyway, I stuck my hand in, and since there were no English instructions, pressed the universal green button of power. Blood pressure machine, of course! So it started inflating and soon my hand was caught in a tight vice, only slightly more comfortable than my last intimate relationship with a woman. The digits, they went up and down and I expected them to stop at 120/80 (for of course I am a healthy stallion. greying but healthy). Up it went and down it came and as if it was skeptical that anyone could be so healthful (or perhaps the kid in Harajuku wanted another chance to squeeze the crap out of a gaijin) it vroomed up again and back down. By this time I was doubting my own "best of three" theory. I frantically shuffled in my seat. I tried pulling back my hand but heck no, it was trapped. By this time my arm was being squeezed for maybe the 4th time. My right arm - the key one, without which I would never be able to quickly navigate to adult websites on my spanking new iPhone.
Dear lord! With the steely wits of Batman, yet boyish charms of Robin, I quickly pressed the green button and switch off the machine did. Wiping away the sheen of testy perspiration, I walked to the next machine, which was clearly a "Body Fat Analyzer". I wondered if it would analyze non-Japanese body fat.
Speaking of which, please keep your body fat safe. Or if you must lose it, make sure to charge at least $60,000 per gallon. Excerpts:
"LIMA (Peru) - A GANG in the remote Peruvian jungle has been killing people for their fat, police charged on Thursday, draining it from their corpses and offering it on the black market for use in cosmetics. Medical experts expressed skepticism that a major market for fat might exist. Three suspects have confessed to killing five people for their fat, said Col. Jorge Mejia, chief of Peru's anti-kidnapping police. He said the suspects, two of whom were arrested carrying bottles of liquid fat, told police it was worth US$60,000 (S$83,382) a gallon."
Calculating that we displace roughly 20 liters each, which of course is 5.33 gallons - unless you are a supermodel, in which case the body's volume is equivalent to a milk carton - man, we are each worth so much already. So if some obnoxious person makes fun of you for being fat, make like the Revlon bitches (or L'Oreal?) and tell them - "because I'm worth it".
1 comment:
Hmmm ... after the intro alluding to safe sex talks etc and given this was about japan - land of the kinky - the revelation about the bp machine was some what disappointing to say the least. I was hoping it would reveal the uneloquently described 'hole' was meant for quite another appendage. One can only imagine how "digits went up and down" and "able to quickly navigate to adult websites on my spanking new iPhone" - could have been totally differently contextualised. But then it would take a depraved ( or deprived, hmm interesting thought) mind to do so....
healthful - now that is a word one does not come across very often....learnt something for the day - that there is supposedly a difference btw the too - although I think healthy is now used to mean healthful as well ......
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