Young, preening guy (YPG): This is the primary ingredient, if you are looking for entertainment value. Well-dressed, popular and capable of evincing high-fives from all and sundry. Screams "I'm cool". On the dance floor, regales with one of two primary styles. First, sticks butt out, keeps legs straight and somehow moves without bending the knees at all, or so it seemed. I think only a thermonuclear war could make him bend them in the name of running. Within these constraints, moves coolly back and forth with the woman gently but firmly grasped. You suspect he is occasionally, and gratuitously, fondling the woman but are unable to verify this. The head is always cocked just so jauntily, facing this way, that way preening literally like a rooster (well, I was gonna say "cock", but come on, how crass do you think I am?). Occasionally puts a hand on the crotch (his, not his partner's) and does crazy move. Does a Forrest Gump funny leg routine - but to perfect rhythm. I think there was a second style that included all this, but with the pelvic area closer to the woman, but at this point I am forced to switch to...
Sexy Woman (SW): While not as entertaining as the YPG, definitely more important for nocturnal fantasies after you get home. Glides delightfully. Size matters - the bigger, the better. Somehow does that undecipherable thing where the feet seem to effortlessly move to a rhythm that I believe is a variation of the Fibonacci Series. And, simultaneously sways voluptuous hips in a complicated and mesmerizing manner, which leaves me seeing stars, and which no doubt helped Einstein picture the four dimensions for his theories - though at four, he clearly only saw the tip of the iceberg (no pun intended). I never thought a curvy woman could be this sexy - well, ahem, maybe not *never* - but boy, oh boy! I am a changed and chastened man now. Leaves spectators dazed, confused and besotted with lust. Well especially...
The Tourist (TT): More often a woman who has a local partner she came with or gets asked to by a polite gent. The great thing is that this is a social event and it is ok for people to swap partners. Sort of like my ideal marriage, but even better because of the good music and the remote possibility of sex, or even just touching the opposite sex. Displays typical lack of aural-psycho-motor coordination, dancing better than a corpse, but not as well as a zombie. More forgivable if said tourist is white (usually is) for having the balls to try, unlike the cowardly me.
The Band: Somewhat similar to SW - feet, hips and head moving effortlessly even as they sing and play instruments, maracas swaying (oh god, did I just make that reference?), and generally leaves you blissful and hypnotized. I believe the key to successfully multi-tasking this way is connected to an intuitive understanding of the pi. The singer, possibly in order to get that high-pitched reedy voice, puts his jaw close to his chest, the very pose that you would avoid if you snore or have apnea. Unsure what is the status of his testicles - undescended, pincered etc - boy they do like singing in a high pitch. Maracas guy tends to be the most entertaining, with cool hand moves. Drums dude multi-tasks, and could probably play the polka on the pretty hip of the SW. Everyone multi-tasks. I wish my colleagues were like this.
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