Notes from the field, part 127

I believe the best and worst, the top of the heap, the genuine stuff of any nation is to be found in its newspapers. Here I bring you the state of the Chinese nation.

First, just as I plan to board a flight, we have: "Many airlline pilots have fake credentials". Apparently, more than 200 pilots falsified credentials, with more than half working previously at the parent company of an airline involved in China's worst plane crash in several years. If this were a movie, it would be called Two Left Wings.

Next, "Public worrys (sic) about safety of hairy crabs".  I think the hairy crabs about to be devoured worry a far lot more. No matter, coming back to the matter at hand, apparently they are feeding the crabs excessive amounts of antibiotics and hormone-based contraceptives. First, let me point out that I admire moderation, rather than absolutism, and it is heartening to note the debate is about "excessive" use, not about use per se. Furthermore, I think oysters are passe - the way to go is to get some hairy crabs, boosting your immune system and fortifying your date with some contraceptive hormones. You can never be too sure.

Next up, we have "Lady collecting garbage for 20 years says it's a hobby". Apparently she feels this will prevent people from mocking her for having nothing, and considers the garbage hill in her home to be her property. I quote: "A physician said Wu may have a psychological problem and suggested she get professional help". Uh-huh.

From the west of China, we have a lonely man "Driving around town in search of a girlfriend". He drives around with a lonely heart advertisement on the rear window of his car, and 50 women have called him in two days. Lucky bastard, he has a car and a headstart on me. Me, I am in deep depression because Craigslist has closed down its "Adult Services" section. Sigh.

From the north, "Lottery jackpot rips marriage apart". A couple could not decide how to spend the lottery they won and their arguments progressed to violent fights. The judge ordered them to split the pot in half. It was RMB 100,000 or about $15,000. I believe divorce attorneys from Vegas are moving into Inner Mongolia in hordes for a shot at cheap divorces.

Finally, from the east of China, "Woman, 81, flees home to escape 'caring' daughter". She was found sobbing in the middle of the street 30 minutes after running away from her overprotective daughter. Her daughter had insisted she put on a jacket in response to the cool breeze in the courtyard.