Dutifully free of intelligence

"I'm learning reading on a jet plane

Don't know when I'll be sane again"

Sung to the tune of Leaving on a Jet Plane.

No, I have not lost it, rather I have gained valuable new insights into the ways of the world. This was done in the face of some stiff competition in the form of cute stewardess Maria Halim, but with alacrity running away from some work-related word-processing.

The insights came from Krisshop, the inflight shopping magazine for Singapore Airlines. No, I did not buy some stupid gizmo or doodad or jewelry. But I did stumble upon an excellent summary of Duty Free Allowances by country. I bet you did not know that...

Most countries are sane, and have language that reasonable quantities of stuff will be allowed in, in some cases clearly stating such quantity - such as 200 cigarettes or 1 liter of spirits. However, there are some exceptions.

Dubai: If you are a non-Muslim, the best place to get drunk and acquire lung cancer is Dubai. 2 liters of spirt PLUS 2 liters of wine and TWO THOUSAND cigarettes. What could one do with all that many cigarettes? Is this part of Dubai's cynical plan to ensure none of its non-Muslim expats live long enough to cause trouble, demand citizenship, property rights etc? How do you transport 2000 cigarettes? How big a suitcase would you need to carry that many?  How many camels do you need to carry 2000 cigarettes? How many cigarettes can you carry or hide in an average kandura? The mind, it boggles. All because I am non-Muslim. It is never too late to appreciate the subtle offerings of religion, I suppose.

Duty-free cashier: How may I help you?
Non-Musliim foreigner: Here are 10 cartons of cigarettes, each with 200 cigarettes.
Duty-free cashier: Would you like a plastic bag?

Customs official: Sir, what is in your too-big-for-the-cabin suitcase? Do you have anything to declare?

Non-Musliim foreigner: 2000 cigarettes.

Customs official: Of course, silly me. Welcome to Dubai. You may proceed. Is that your wife and daughter? They too have quotas, just a friendly reminder from this great duty-free city.

Turkey: You may recall I had made a snide remark of Turkish men and body odor. I was certainly on to something. Turkey allows you to bring 1.2 liters - LITERS - of perfume, and it says rather cryptically, "Nett weight will be calculated".

Customs official: Sorry sir, but you cannot bring that magnum of champagne into the country.

Traveler: Oh, but it is perfume, not booze.

Customs official: But of course. I hope your hotel has a nice bath tub. Have a nice stay. Say, what kind of perfume?

Traveler: Old Spice.

Customs official (frantically into his walkie talkie): Code Red. Old Spice alert. Request hazmat team and immediate deportation.

Germany: Leaves nothing to chance. I quote verbatim: "1 liter spirits over 22 volume, or non-denatured ethyl alcohol with more than 80 volume or 2 liters spirits or aperitifs made of wine or similar beverages less than 22 volume, or a sparkling wines or liquer wines or a proportional mix of the products and in addition 2 liters still wine".  Likewise, "200 cigarettes / 100 cigarillos (max 3 grams each) or 50 cigars, of 250 grams smoking tobacco, or a proportional mix of these products".

Customs official: Anything to declare, sir?

Traveler: No. Here is a large bottle that has, mixed in the right proportion, liquers, champagne, wine and spirits. And in this shoe box, what looks like dried cow dung is actually cut up cigarettes, cigarillos, cigars and some smoking tobacco, also proportionately mixed.
Customs official: Are you sure?
Traveler: Yes, I used a vernier caliper.

Customs official: Very well, you may go now. Say, may I borrow your calculator, abacus, slide rule, logarithmic tables and while you are at it, you too? I need some help with my tax returns.

So there you have it. One is never too old to learn something new.