For the consuming pet:
- The indoor dog restroom. Need I explain?
- Best-in-class orthopedic Comfy Couch and Bone Pillow a dog will really dig. I hope not "dig into", at that price.
- The ultrasonic barking dog deterrent - this ingenious device, shaped like a cuckoo clock, will emit inaudible canine-irritating frequencies which will eventually create the Pavlovian response of shutting the dog up. As alternatives, I suggest a) shutting the door / windows b) killing the dog. It is apparently in a stiff competition with the "Indoor barking dog deterrent", which looks like a boombox, which of course is the human deterrent.
- Pet ramp and staircase: you know, for your retarded, dysplasia-ridden mongrel to clamber up your bed with its filthy paws.
- Ceramic pet fountain. Because the old water bowl is of course bad karma.
- Canine genealogy kit. I thought this was a winner, but it does need you to take a swab from inside the dog's cheeks. If you can survive the inevitable dog breath, you will have to fight with the dog to get it out - have you ever tried wrestling even a chihuaha for something that is already in its mouth? Is all this worth it to know who Spot's mom was, when we al know she was a skank?
- Indoor / outdoor dog bed, elevated to keep your dog comfortable and dry. Do these people even know what a dog is? It is a critter than digs the ground up on a hot summer day so that it can nestle in the resulting, cool cavity. Its idea of comfort is turning around to licks its itchy balls.
- Litter Kwitter - "potty train your cat faster than most people can potty train their kids". This is plain bullshit, cats even cover up after they're done, for heaven's sake, and are not even comparable to blubbering human young ones that leak out of every orifice.
For the consuming head:
- A natural "boar hair bristle" especially for thinning hair. I suggest a razor, shaving foam and a spring in your step instead.
- Spray-on hair. See above.
- "Hair laser". Really? Does Darth Vader know about this?
Other
- Underwater pogo stick. My mind boggles, too.
- CD / DVD rack - store over 2250 CDs and DVDs. Duh, how clueless is the chief strategist of this one? Has s/he heard of the iPod?
- Stamp out identity theft - use this handy stamping thingy, which uniformly inks out your personal information. "No shredders, no scissors". Wouldn't shredding or burning actually be easier and cost nothing?
- The original sleep sound generator. It does not say zzzz.
- A whole lot of golf crap, sports crap, home improvement and gardening crap and other useless items.
For perverts:
- Video recording sunglasses. Uh-huh.
- The world's smallest camcorders! Record without ever being detected!! Apply for anticipatory bail now!!!
- Spy pen: carry an eyewitness in your pocket. The memorable moments at the divorce hearing will eliminate any regrets you'll have about buying this in the first place. Not to mention, its close competitors the Video Pen, voice activated to boot. You might as well say to it, "Incriminate me!"
Now the winners:
- The Slanket - stay cozy and keep your hands free. Bingo!! Have you even been on a cold flight and wanted to change the channel but then the blanket slides off you, exposing your muffing top and butt crack, causing alarm and potential pandemonium all around? Exactly. Instead of selling the Slanket, Delta should be giving them out on flights.
- Automatic Wine Opener: effortless cork removal every time. Don't worry, it said "cork", not cock. I think this is a great improvement over using your Swiss knife and eventually straining your wine through a perforated cork. Again, "cork".
- Dog ramp: So that your dog does not have to try the doggie high jump to get into your fucking SUV, you obese, inconsiderate retard.
- Two-way shoe stretcher: As the impulsive buyer of a pair of shoes half a size too small, I can assure you this is a winning product.
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