The unbearable annoyance of being

A quick trip through India and one is bombarded with way too much of the present continuous. Here is a short guide to correcting or pre-empting the most common pitfalls using the English language dedicated to my Indian friends:

1. Having: as a verb, this can only be used in the following sentences:

- I am having a migraine

- I am having sex

- I am having fun. Lots of fun.

- I am having a baby (applicable only to females - explanatory note below)

- I am having an argument (possibly involving sharing domestic chores)

- I am not at all having fun

- I am having a stroke / cardiac arrest

- I am not having you at my funeral
- No, I am, *not* having a breakdown

Note the clever chronology involved. You cannot be having anything else. Also, "We" cannot be having babies, unless "we" are a lesbian couple, and undergoing synchronized in-vitro fertility treatment. Under normal circumstance, while the women are pregnant, the men are having fun, out with the "boyz", no need to drink wine coolers or white wine or some other sissy stuff to keep you company and chomping on a stogie because you are throwing up and ill at home having a... baby.

2. Liking: do not use this as a verb. Period.

- If you are a woman, you can have a liking for me. It is entirely natural. If you are above the legal age of consent, I encourage you to immediately contact me and get it over with.

- If you are a man, you will have a liking for women, sometimes many at a time throughout your life. You must practice being untruthful.

Speaking of "being"...

3. Being: as a noun, this has many applications - e.g., every one is a lesser being than me. As a verb, the only allowable usages are:

- I am being courted by large publishing houses

- I am not being gullible - that letter looked really authentic
- You are being totally unreasonable / childish
- What do you mean I am being ridiculous?

- You're just jealous. I am being punished / persecuted for my intelligence / wit / wisdom

In addition, please stop using "yesterday night", "today morning" and do learn to pronounce "development". What's that? No, I am not being very annoying; you are.

Thank you.